Dacorum Sub Aqua Club
Going Down - June 2000 - Page 2 of 3
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Diary of a Red Sea Virgin
(A Going Down Special
for June 2000)
Foreword
The author acknowledges that
certain elements of this diary may offend readers of a delicate nature. As
the majority of divers do actually have a sense of humour, her advice to anyone
who does take offence is to **** off and find another hobby.
It seems that the divers on
this trip were obsessed with toilet humour and sexual innuendoes and, as a
serious journalist angling for a job with The Sun or The Sunday Sport, the
author feels duty bound to report all the events that took place during the
week. Wherever possible she has used the actual names of offenders in
order to inflict as much embarrassment as possible. It is her firm belief
that the Dacorum Sub Aqua Club’s best interests are served by exposing these
bawdy individuals, so that they can be brought back together for another great
holiday next year!
D-Day
(Friday 21st April)
7.30 a.m. and 14 divers (12
from DS-AC, 2 from Crouch End) arrived at Gatwick airport, their heavily laden
trolleys groaning under the weight of 10 tonnes of dive gear (and that was just
Steve’s stuff). Margaret, our leader, herded us into the quickest
check-in queue and arranged a rendezvous for breakfast. Everything was running
smoothly until it was Barry’s turn to check in his luggage - “you are a
little overweight sir, the limit is 20kgs and you’re weighing in at 38kgs”. Somewhat offended by the inference that he was a lard arse,
Barry pointed out he was carrying diving equipment and that he’d been told the
limit was 30kgs. Unlike golf equipment, there was no special allowance for
dive gear, the check-in clerk informed him. “Oh I have a set of golf clubs in
there too” retorted Barry.
After
it was finally established that JMC impose no weight limit for diving equipment,
Steve Rossini was heard to mutter “damn, I could have brought my twin 10s
after all!”
By
the way, it is a widely held belief that Barry’s dive gear actually weighed in
at just under 30kgs, the remaining 8kgs consisted of hair gel.
After
a tedious 5 hour flight we arrived at Hurghada, stopped off for a quick beer at
the Meridien hotel and then settled in for a 3 hour bus trip to the port of El
Quesir, where our boat “Miss Nouran” was waiting. We were all exhausted, as we’d been travelling for nearly
12 hours, but the blokes soon perked up when they met the dive guide.
Her
name was Suheil, very young, very pretty and very good at her job (though I’m
sure some would argue otherwise). Over the coming week (particularly on
day 2) Suheil would demonstrate many times that she had the patience of a saint.
Day
1 (Saturday 22nd April)
“Miss
Nouran” had 6 twin berths and one very cosy 4 berth cabin, which soon became
known as “the boys’ room” (the boys being Gary, Phil, Tony and Steve).
We had been asked to leave one cabin vacant, as two French girls (Laurence and
Collette) were expected to arrive later. Wow! A female dive guide and two
single French girls - the boys thought their ship had well and truly come in on
this trip!
Most
of us were a little bleary-eyed at breakfast, after a restless first night in
our cabins. The boys in particular seemed a little fuzzy-headed –
had they been kept awake by thoughts of steamy threesomes with their French
diving buddies or was this the way they always looked after a night of continual
farting and snoring?
Barry and Lindsey
reportedly slept well in their ’love bunk’, which had been chosen for its
raunchy red ‘hot lips’ bed sheets
.
(I don’t know, the sexual aids that some people have to resort to these days!)
The first dive of the holiday
was at Mangrove Bay, a very pretty and relaxing dive that allowed Suheil to
quietly check out our diving skills. After we had all kitted up it became
clear that our cylinders had been filled with ‘bad’ air. Despite the disgusting oily taste we determined to go ahead
with the dive, fully accepting the fact that we would probably suffer the mother
of all headaches by the end of it.
Once
the compressor had been fitted with a new filter, the remaining dives of the day
were trouble-free - excellent reef dives with loads to see. To me it was
like swimming in a giant tropical fish tank – glorious!
In
the evening Gary settled down to an after dinner Tia Maria with coke.
Caroline had brought some Baileys with her, so Sue suggested they make an orgasm
(Tia Maria with a Baileys gently floating on top). Thinking this sounded
like a good idea, Gary set about pouring one out. “Typical” called Sue
“just like a bloke to sort himself out with an orgasm and not bother with his
partner!”
For
once in his life Gary was completely speechless and turned a delightful shade of
red. He then hurriedly offered to give Caroline an orgasm of her own!
A
little later Gary and Caroline had another drink, and this time Sue was suitably
impressed. “I must say, its not often you hear of a guy giving his
partner multiple orgasms!”
Having
succeeded in embarrassing both Gary and Caroline again, Sue went to bed
happy!
I’m
afraid that’s all for this week, folks. Further extracts from ‘Diary
of a Red Sea Virgin’ will be released shortly.
Sue McCammont
Inevitably some folk earned nicknames on this trip. Here’s a few for now:
|
Steve Rossini |
Inspector Gadget or Rambo |
|
Gary Sturdy |
Squitters |
|
Caroline Craufurd |
Torch Melter |
|
Phil Sturdy |
No rush |
|
Margaret Fowler |
Bruiser/Mummy |
|
Dave Fowler |
Disaster Dave |
|
Barry Perton |
The Hair |
|
Lindsey Doyle |
The Love Bunk |
|
Tony Watt |
Ali Baba |
|
Jacqui Chiew |
Veggie |
|
Mark Murphy |
Sox |
Date last updated : 22/06/01